I have begun to believe my mind is full of tiny little topics that act like pimples.

No one can predict the order they start to fester in, or when they’ll get ripe and burst.

Friday, 7 March 2014

I NEVER UNDERSTOOD MY FATHER


 



I NEVER UNDERSTOOD MY FATHER

HE COULD ASK REALLY WEIRD QUESTIONS!

He was a puzzle freak and addict: Math, Crossword, didn’t matter what? He could figure the damned things out and he would occasionally challenge me to solve one that usually had some weird logic involved. One night when I was about 19, we were sitting at the Kitchen table, half way through a bottle of Little Brown Jug rye whiskey and a nasty game of cards, when he suddenly stopped the cards and said he had something to tell me.

He was just home for a week from a construction site in the bush and his good friend Earl was trying to be a wise ass and had challenged the lunch time gang to a Contest to solve a riddle by the time they got back to Camp from their week out. If one of them could come up with a suitable answer they would judge them all. There was a $5 entry fee from ten crew but the winner would get a full quart bottle of 90% Jamaican Punchin Rum, with a rider to share with them all of course.

Dad told me he thought that he could win because he had been going nuts trying to figure out an answer. it had finally dawned on him and he wanted me to judge whether I thought he had a chance to win.

THE RIDDLE

IF IT TOOK A WOODPECKER TILL THE FOURTH OF JULY
TO KNOCK A HOLE IN A CAST IROM DONUT;

HOW LONG WOULD IT TAKE A ONE ARMED TROMBONE PLAYER
TO SHINGLE A SHITHOUSE ROOF WITH FLAPJACKS?

Dad then informed me that in order to solve the riddle you had to apply all the financial and biological knowledge that you never knew you had that you simply absorbed from your observance of life.

DAD’S ANSWER

IF A NICKEL’S WORTH FIVE PENNIES: AND IT IS
AND IF A DOODLE BUG HAS SIXTEEN LEGS: AND IT DOES

IT WILL TAKE TWICE AS LONG AS IT TAKES A RABBIT,
 WITH A STEEL SPRING IN HIS LEFT HIND LEG
TO KICK THE SEEDS OUT OF A DILL PICKLE!

   +
=

Grasshopper +  Steel Spring  =  Pile of Shit


Now That’s Brilliant Thinking

I Knew I Inherited Mine From Somewhere!

Blaine Barrett